jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations
BEER (BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS)
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought
of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
(1) I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.
--Tim, 7 years old.
(2) Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on
television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
--Mellanie, 7 years old.
(3) My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.
--Grady, 7 years old.
(4) My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more
they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good
--Toby, 7 years old.
(5) My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old.
(6) My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.
One time he danced right into the pool.
--Lilly, 7 years old.
(7) I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.
--Ethan, 7 years old
(8) I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.
--Shirley, 7 years old.
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
(9) My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my
father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go
bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.
--Jack, 7 years old
Only a Minnesota man can make you feel like a woman!!!!!
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed,'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Minnesota stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped..
Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabr igde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman Asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."
Subject: 5 Year Old 1st Job
Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between
a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will
make you believe that we all can make a difference
when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved
into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew
began to build a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter
naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much
of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew,
all of them more or less Gems-in-the-rough, adopted her as a kind
of project mascot.
They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the
end of the first week, they even presented her with
a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this
home to her mother who suggested, that she take her ten dollars "pay"
she'd received, to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mother arrived at the bank, the teller was
equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week
with a real construction crew building the new
house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller,
"and will you be working this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those Assholes at Home Depot
ever deliver the fuckin' Sheet Rock..."
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and is then sent to a Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the doctor is a very attractive young female Urologist. The female doctor says,
'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99.'
The guy obeys and says, '99!'
The doctor says, 'Great! Now turn over onto your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99'
Again, the guy says '99.' The doctor says, 'Very good. Now then.....I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now... take a deep breath and say, 99.'
The guy begins, 'One ... Two . Three .........'
Finding Love When It's Freezing...
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have very good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's, concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down". And you thought your first date was embarrassing!
Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Tonight Show.
Creative puns for smart minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthurs Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher b acked into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head.
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, Keep off the Grass.
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, No change yet.
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, its your vote that counts. In feudalism, its your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
Subject: Flat Tire
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here? '
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo,
those are my emergency flashers!
Sex against a fence
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together
over fifty years ago? We went behind this very
tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again
and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and, having a chuckle to himself,
he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers
having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on
each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence...
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt
into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen .
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggle to their feet and put their
clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing... I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
' Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Tired of the rain?
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.
Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
Watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.
So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from New England ... They're still too wet to burn."
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE!
Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said..."Land Mines".
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go: BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.
SUNDAY PAPER: This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will someday become seniors.
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" said the irate customer calling the newspaper office, She loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, shit, so that's why no one was at church today."
Remember, if your pet were your teacher you would learn...
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• Take naps.
• Stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you're not.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
• ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!
And then the fight started…
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY !!!”
So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”
And then the fight started…..
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started…
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started….
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..
HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES
FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY:
FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.....
PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened,
(no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball . (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)
BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!! I'm still laughing!!!!
Friendship is like peeing your pants.......
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's true warmth..
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my ipod.
Telling Husband you're going out for the night with the 'Girls'... $0.00
Red Leather Jacket for night out with the 'Girls'... $200.00
Car wash and Wax.... $20.00
Getting a Radar photo speeding ticket while out with the 'Girls'. $150.00
Having Husband open the Mailed Radar Photo citation,
and seeing you with another mans Dick in your hands,
more vacations on the next page
The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The Stewardess looks at him and says, I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one
turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost
my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The
first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved
off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer.'
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and
is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan
sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened a small florist shop to
raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the
good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set
of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh,
man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten
different puns to friends, with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.