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From the if your poor collection
The new groom had been assured by his fiancee that she was a virgin. Given the
state of modern morals, however, he didn't completely trust her; so he devised a
little quiz for their wedding night. Pulling down his pajamas, he asked, "Honey
do you know what this is?" "A wee-wee, "she answered coyly. Delighted by her
naivete, the cracker corrected her gently, "No sweetheart, it's a cock." "Uh-uh.
It's a wee-wee," insisted the bride, shaking her head. Slightly annoyed, he took
her to task. "It's time for you to learn a few things, dear. Now, this is a
cock." "No way, "she retorted. "A cock's bigger."

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

A traveling salesman is driving down a dark, deserted stretch of country road
when his car breaks down. Seeing a light in the distance, he walks several miles
to an old farmhouse and knocks on the door. He is greeted by an old farmer and
explains his predicament. The salesman asks, "Can I use your phone to call a tow
truck?" The old farmer replies, "Nope, ain't got one." The salesman asks, "Can
you help me fix my car?" The old farmer replies, "Nope, too dark out there,
you'll just have to wait until the morning, then I'll take you into town." The
salesman reluctantly agrees, and asks where he is going to sleep. The old farmer
says, "You'll have to bunk with Junior. You'll have to excuse him, he's a little
on the daft side." (Forest Gump is a genius compared to Junior.) The salesman is
shown to a small upstairs room with a double bed. Upon entering the room, Junior
sits up in bed and introduces himself, "Hi, muh name iz Junior. Are you gonna
bee stayin in here wif me tanite?" The salesman greets Junior and prepares for
bed. Upon crawling into the other side of the bed, Junior starts tossing and
turning. After about a half hour of Junior tossing, turning, and rolling all
over the bed, the salesman is fed up. "Junior! What is the matter? Can't you lie
still and go to sleep?" Junior replies, "Ah kin't falls asleep without playin a
game of football." The salesman looks around the room and replies, "Junior, we
can't play football in here! The room's too small." Junior says, "No, not that
type of football, we plays by special rules. Ya sees, if'n ya farts two times,
ya makes a first down. If'n ya farts three times, ya makes a touchdown." The
salesman realizes that he won't get a moment's decent sleep unless he plays
football with Junior, so he reluctantly agrees. The salesman concentrates and is
able to let loose four good blasts. Junior is astonished, "Wow! TOUCHDOWN an'
extree point!" The salesman replies, "OK Junior! Your turn. Let's get this
over." Junior starts concentrating, grimacing, and a pained look comes over his
face. Suddenly Junior just explodes and shits all over the bed. The salesman is
shocked and says, "Now what?" "HALFTIME! We trades sides!"

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Even though the junior sailor was late for his flight, he dashed into the
airport men's room, pissed, and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks
a Marine sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man,
"Hey, sailor, in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to
the latrine." The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the
Marine. "Well, in the Navy, they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Eight Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active
 8. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
7. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
 6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn".
5. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
4. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
3. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
 1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style".
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon
in hand, after marching 12 miles, and says, "God, this is SHIT." An Army
Airborne grunt stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in
hand, after jumping from an airplane and marching 18 miles, and says with a
smile "God, this is THE shit." An Army Airborne Ranger lies in the mud with a 55
lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after jumping from a plane into the swamp
and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy, and says with a grin, "God, I
LOVE this shit!" An Army Green Beret, Airborne/Ranger/Pathfinder qualified,
kneels up to his nose in the stinking, infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb.
pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an airplane into
the ocean, swimming 10 miles to the swamp and killing an alligator, then
crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault the enemy camp. He says with a
passionate snarl, "God, gimmee some MORE of this shit!" An Air Farce cadet sits
in an easy chair in his air-conditioned, carpeted room and says, "The cable's
out? What kind of shit is that?!"

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a
great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John what are you so happy for?" "Well
Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my
boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in
my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's
either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!" The next
day, Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter
with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today,
John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave.
Tits out to here! She said, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her, 'Sure
you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much
further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw
or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and
Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says,
"John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was
out waxin'' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came
up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood
than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure
you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out...
much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and
said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and..... She had a
dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick, Dave, and I CAN'T SWIM!"

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously
unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon
as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby!
That's what I've been waiting for!" The man in the front row turned around and
gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and
snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off
again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things." Our friend turned around and said, "Hey
buddy, calm down!" After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and
snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our
friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!" Our friend again turned
around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!" A few minutes later,
the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the
G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.
Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm
now?" The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, "Can I rent a donkey?"
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Little Martin is six years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, 'Why don't you go across the street and watch the construction workers building the home, maybe you will learn something.'
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home his mother asked him what he had learned, Martin replied...'Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cocksucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the motherfucker back up.'
Martin's mother said, 'You just wait till your father gets home!'
When Martin's father got home the mother asked him to ask Martin what he had learned that day. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, 'Martin, go outside and get me a switch.' Martin replied, 'Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job!

3 daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own.
He was very concerned about their well being and always did his
best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls
dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going
out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his
custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his
shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the
young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered
the door and the lad said,
"Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show,
is she ready to go?"
The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said,
"My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some
spaghetti, is she ready?"
Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.
The boy started off,
"Hi, my name's Chuck --" and the farmer shot him.

 @@@@===XXX===@@@@

Hu, Who......Kofi, Coffee..... Yes sir, Yassir?

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get
Chinese food in the Middle East?

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Q: What is the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
A: Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Poor Spot
A man was supposed to meet his girlfriend's family.
Unfortunately, he is so nervous he has an eating problem.
So, halfway through desert he tries very hard to hold his fart.
At the end, he escaped out a little small fart. The sister of
the man's girlfriend shouted "Spot!" to the family dog.
Being thankful that the dog was blamed for the gas, he lets
out an even bigger fart.

"Spot!" shouted the sister again.

He decided to fart more so he lets out the biggest fart ever.
The sister finally said,
"Spot, come here before he shits on you!"

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Chewing Nails
simon: You are looking worried john, Why?
jonn: My girl friend chew her nails.
simon: Oh! but its OK, lots of girls chew their nails
john: Toe nails???

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Magic Mirror
A blonde a brunette and a redhead go to a magic mirror. You stand
in front of the mirror and tell it something. If you lie you disappear.

The brunette stood in front of the mirror and said, I think I'm the
smartest person in the world, and poof she disappeared.

The redhead stood in front of the mirror and said, I think I'm the
most beautiful person in the world, and poof she disappeared.

The blonde stood in front of the mirror and said,
I think, and poof she disappeared.

IN THE BEGINNING
In the Beginning, God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with a cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light," and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.
Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night".
Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days.
Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing lasting 10-12 months.
At this point God created Hell.

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"

One day down in Little Rock, a guy sees a sign in front of
a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the
owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes
into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told
the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting
from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and
world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight
years running....
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings
there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Q) What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?

(A) A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

Subject: Fw: FIVE SECRETS TO A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

1. It is important to find a woman who keeps a tidy home, who cooks,
who cleans up and has a good job.
2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four women don't know each other.
Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should
be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do
with them.

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY
(This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou
country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale,
it's real)

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in
the
middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his
face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike
in
the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real
bad
the guy jumped in the car and closed the door -- only then did he
realize
that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to
think
of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly
approaching
a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and
begging
for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the
bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand
appeared
thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car
safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally the guy scared to near death had all he could
take
and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two
shots
of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A
silence
enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was
telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
the
other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was
pushin it in the rain."
Free milk
For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow
when you can get the milk for free, you may want to keep the following in
mind...
Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up
to the fact that for 6 ounces of sausage it's not worth buying the entire
pig.

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Baptist Dog

A Baptist couple felt it important to own an equally Baptist pet, so they
went shopping. At a kennel specializing in Baptist dogs, they found
one that they liked a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.

When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally
fast, using his paws with dexterity. Impressed, they purchased the animal
and went home.

That night, they had friends over. They were so proud of the new
Baptist dog and his skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do
any of the "usual" dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold,
as they hadn't thought of normal dog tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try it out."

Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command,
heel."

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head......It was then
that the couple realized they'd been flimflammed. The dog was Pentecostal.

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

A woman, pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily, she and the babies survived.

The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years before.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years before.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
Contest Results On New, Innovative And Irrefutable Theories.

HONORABLE MENTION
Subject: Linguistics
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted
in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah,"
the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and
invest in "erl" wells.

4th RUNNER-UP
Subject: Probability Theory
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary
works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP
Subject: Bio-Mechanics
Why Yawning Is Contagious -- You yawn to equalize the pressure on your
eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP
Subject: Symbolic Logic
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas
at a rapid rate, for example, http, NASA, html.

1st RUNNER-UP
Subject: Newtonian Mechanics
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close
to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
dangerously fast.

GRAND PRIZEWINNER
Subject: Perpetual Motion
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant
slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two
opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the
ground. Using the giant buttered toast-cat array, a high-speed monorail
could easily link New York with Chicago, and no energy would be consumed.

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly man's wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

Doctor replies "Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,
1/2 box of Raisin Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?! "

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

Michigan Quarters

The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Michigan quarters:

"We are recalling all of the new Michigan quarters that were recently issued," Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines,pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. The winning design for the Michigan quarter was submitted by a Yooper named Toivo Lookinen.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming in the coin-operated devices."

Why don't witches have babies?
Because their husbands have hallow weenies!

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Know why witches never wear panties?
Gives em a better grip on that broomstick!

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Somebody told me the other day that they was gonna be my worst nightmare.
After carefully thinking about it I realized that my worst nightmare would involve
a nice warm bubble bath and all my ex mother-in-laws!!!!
Big Jock met a gorgeous blonde at a bar one night. Well, as always, he performed as well as one would expect of an athlete in his condition.
After it was all said and done, the blonde whose name was Jeannie said, "I am truly a Genie and you have satisfied me like no other. And for that I would like to grant you three wishes."
Big Jock couldn't believe his luck. He then said, "Well for my 1st wish, I would like to become the most famous Quarterback in history. For my 2nd wish, I'd like to be the most famous Goalie in history. And for my final wish, I would like to be History's most famous Pitcher."
Jeannie then said, "Well Big Boy, that's quite an order but I can do it. It'll take me a year or so, but all your wishes will come true."
In January, Big Jock was the 1st Quarterback to throw 11 consecutive touchdown passes leading his team to the biggest score and Super Bowl win in History.
In May, Jock was the 1st Goalie to post 15 consecutive shutouts on his team's way to winning the Stanley Cup.
The following October, his 3rd wish came true. Jock found himself turned into the Mona Lisa.

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The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

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Father: How do you like going to school ?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between !

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She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present.
So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"