jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations
From the if your poor collection
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and soon found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there the tennis courts, swimming pool and golf course. If you need any refreshments, just push any of the service buttons located throughout the area."
"Jeez, Helen," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here five years ago if you hadn't heard about that goddamn oat bran."
Signs you've had too much holiday cheer  
1. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.  
2. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.  
3. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.  
5. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
 6. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.  
7. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.  
8. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.  
9. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.  
10. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
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A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
Top nine reasons computers must be female:

1. Picky, picky, picky.
2. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
3. Beauty is only shell deep.
4. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
5. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
6. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
7. Smalltalk is important.
8. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
9. They make you take the garbage out.

================================================

Top nine reasons computers must be male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
7. The lights are on but nobody's home.
8. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
9. Size does matter.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

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There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

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"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

============================================================

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

=============================================================

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

==========================================================

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

======================================================

Things to ponder:

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?

Why do they call them express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?

Why is abreviation such a long word?

If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?

Why do they report power outages on TV?
In The Heart

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

========================================================

QUICKIES

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
New Medications for Women Only

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person .... Can we get naked now?.."

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging
him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Little Christopher was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their Uncles did for a living. All the typical answers
came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...


Christopher was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his Uncle John.

"My Uncle's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for
money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took Little Christopher aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your Uncle?"


"No," said Christopher, "He plays for the Cleveland Browns, but I was
too embarrassed to say so."

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

THE FARMER'S PET ROOSTER . . .

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky
goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the
theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.

He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.

The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and
watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"That's what I thought, too," said Mildred . . . "but this one's eating my
popcorn."
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a
plan for peace. So, here's one plan:

1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in
their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo,
Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those 'good ole boys.' We willnever"interfere" again.

2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting
with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us
there. We will station troops at our borders. No one sneaking
through holes in the fence.

3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the
remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless
of who or where they are. France should welcome them.

4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90
days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation
would be allowed in. NO ONE! If you don't like it there, change it
yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to
anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If
they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy
wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy
but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan
wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. The Sierra
Club, etc. will have to deal with it.

7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel
for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They
can go somewhere else to sell their production.
(About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world,
we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for
seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we
give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it
most get very little, if anything.

9. We will ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some
place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here.
Besides, the building would make a good homeless
 shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no
one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. Now,
 ain't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty will no longer say 'Give me your poor, your
tired, your huddled masses longing to be free.' She's got a baseball
bat and she's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'" -
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically,
"For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Just In

This just in from Texas....
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps
women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing
through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was
taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked
out of him.
Thought for the day
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Never hold your farts in, they travel up your spine, into your brain and that's where you get crappy ideas from.

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for
payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says," That will be
$12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Ain't It The Truth

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a
good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch
me."
Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in
bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're
dead?
Because nothing hurts."
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud . . don't you ever stop?

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

A Day at the Races

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders,
accompanied by two female teachers, went
on
a field trip to the local racetrack to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the
supporting industry, but mostly to see the
horses.

When it was time to take the children to the
bathroom
it was decided that the girls would go with one
teacher and the boys would go
with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
outside the men's room when one
of
the boys came out and
told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.

Having no other choice, she went inside, helped
the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by
one--holding onto their "weewees" to
direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice
that he was unusually
well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was
staring, the teacher said, "You
must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding
Silver Arrow in the 4th but thanks for the
lift."

@@@@===XXX===@@@@

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged
attempt to
perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several
years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh
causing severe
muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and
Louella has been charged with a .



(scroll down)







Misdewiener


OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to
somebody...

Hallmark Greetings

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, Someone to love.
After meeting you ... (inside card) I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ...
(inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ..
(inside card) That you're not here To ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...
(inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry ... (inside card) Someone other than you.

6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... (inside card) Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card)
Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card) What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. (inside card)
Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ...
(inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . .
(inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and West
Virginia)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder ..
(inside card) What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

16. How could two people as beautiful as you .. (inside card) Have such an ugly baby?


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15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms &randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares,...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

 And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here".

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "we've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
Think You're Having A Bad Day.... check out these actual cases. Read all the way to the end.
____________________________________________________________
Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle
on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the
motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the
handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an
ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the
several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her
husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed
to right the motorcycle and pu! sh it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his
business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife,
who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.
Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and
burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man
down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come
to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped,
tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining !
stairs, breaking his arm.
_______________________KEEP READING_____________________________

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse... The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being
released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute
later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
___________________________________________________________

Still think you are having a bad day? A woman came home to find her husband
in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of
wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking
his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his walkman.!
____________________________________________________________

STILL think you're having a bad day? Two animal rights protesters were
protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day?? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay
enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped
on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

WAL - MART APPLICATION

This is a job application that a 75 - year - old senior submitted to Wal - Mart ...... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny !

NAME : George Martin

SEX : Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President.. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION : Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD : Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY : A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT : My incredible collection of stolen pens and post - it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING : It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK : Any.

PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30 - 3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS ? : Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER ? : If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs. ? : Of what ?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR ? : I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs ?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION ? : I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE ? : On the job no, on my breaks no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ? : Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE ? : Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE : Sagittarius
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

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A famous magazine photographer was dispatched to a famous haunted house to get shots of the apparition residing there. In the haunted house, when the clock struck 12 midnight, the apparition appeared on the staircase landing. Amazingly, the apparition posed (like a supermodel) for the photographer! But lighting was very bad at the moment and the camera flash batteries were LOW. Anyway, the photographer snapped away. But the pictures did not come out well because of the low batteries.
He later explained to his boss at the magazine this way: 'The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.'

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I've learned that after age 50 you get the Furniture Disease.
That's when your chest falls into your drawers.

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An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a checkup. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it." "Well," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night - always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"Okay," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"

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The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My famiy went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was Fascinated." The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her chest is so big she can only "fasten 8."
Office Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pi**ed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they
may be connected to the a** that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs, which you are no longer able to satisfy, I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at that Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll by home before midnight.
Your Husband.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a faxed letter waiting for him. It read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times that 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up!
Your Wife

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Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

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This little boy was complaining to his friend, "My mom won't let me watch public television anymore!" "Why not?" his friend asked incredulously.
"Because it has too much sax and violins!!"

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