jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations
From the if your poor collection
A newly captured lion was taken to Rome and placed in a cage in the Colosseum. From his window, the newcomer could see fellow lions engaging in bloody combat with gladiators and pursuing Christians under the blazing sun.
Finally, the battered lions were returned to their cages. "Wow," the newcomer said, "I thought this job would be a snap."
"Oh, the work's pretty tough," a grizzled old lion answered, "but the prophets can be good."
Rumors in the fast-food industry have it that McDonald's is preparing to test-market a new burger made from bulls' lips. It'll be called the McJagger.
An unemployed stripper begged her agent to find her work. He cautioned her that the only job available was at a longshoremen's convention- typically a rough gig. Because she was broke, she took the job anyway
That evening, the agent walked into the hall just as the stripper began her act. Before long, the unruly crowd began pelting her with crushed beer cans and cigarette butts while shouting obscenities, issuing lewd catcalls and trying to manhandle her. Halfway through her performance, she ran off stage, sobbing.
"Look, they don't mean anything by it," the agent said consolingly "They've just had too much to drink and-"
"No, no, it's not them!" she exclaimed. "Did you hear that fucking band"
Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men looked around in amazement. "What do you suppose is going on?" one asked. "Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is that the Cubs went to the series."

===============================

After a brief absence, a nurse returned to her station and was quickly pulled aside by one of her colleagues. "Shirley, your breast is out of your uniform!"
"Oh, shit," (he rumpled nurse replied, glancing down. "Don't those damn doctors ever put anything away?"
"The computer user's reboot poem"

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

========================================

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?

A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

=========================================

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"

==========================================

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

==============================================

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
New Cure For Stinky Feet Discovered

ATHENS, GA (AheadOfNews.com) - Jeremy Haines has had stinky feet for as long as he can remember, until now. "It was awful," says Haines, "people would edge away from me in the elevator, and nobody wanted to sit near me at lunch. I'd tried all of those powders and sprays and shoe inserts, with no luck."

Haines, who's written a book on the problem and his cure, titled "Stinky Defeat", was one of millions of people with this tragic problem.

Dr. Herman Shinks, podiatrist, says that the problem is widespread but gets little attention. "People often just accept it an inevitable, instead of trying to do anything about it."

Haines says he discovered his solution almost by accident. A blob of Dial Anti-Bacterial liquid soap spilled on his shoe while he was refilling the pump dispenser, which gave him the idea. "I filled each of my shoes with 1/2 cup of liquid soap and then put them on like usual and went for a 2 mile walk. It felt really funny, squishing around like that, and foam came out of the tops. When I got home, I tossed my shoes and socks in the washing machine with cold water, rubbed my feet really hard with a towel, then washed my feet. I let my shoes air-dry, and 'voila!', no more stinky feet!"

Haines says he's now working on a cure for bad breath, but so far he hasn't had much luck. "Liquid soap just doesn't taste good," he says, "no matter how much mint you add".

The Delivery
There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around.
He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him
to look after things while he was gone.

The vet asked,
"Is anything happening?"
The doctor replied,
"Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby
will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it This
is her third and the first two went really easily."
The vet said okay, and the doctor went on the fishing trip.
When he returned, he called the vet.
"How did things go while I was gone?"
"Pretty good."
"Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?"
"Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine."
"Did you have any trouble?"
"Well, there was just one little problem ..."
"What was that?"
"I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"

Subject: Fw: four catholic mothers..........

 Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
 The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace'."
 The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but MY son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
 The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well .. . ?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them
back.
 Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
 To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
 There are teachers, and then there are educators...

=================================================

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.
 She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about
five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation.
I headed out the front door.
 There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
 I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was asinine bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.
 I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom ...

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably.............

........the family dog.
"She keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this
shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started
all of this," the woman told the volunteer.

"What is it she keeps asking for?" she asked.

"Puppy size!"

"We have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for."

"I know. We have seen most of them," she said in frustration. Just then
the young child came walking in the office.

"Well, did you find one?"

"No, not this time," she said with sadness in her voice. "Can we come
back on the weekend?"

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.
"You never know when we will get more dogs."

Her mother had already started down the hall lo leave just as another
volunteer handed one last puppy to the little girl. " Oh, yes," said the girl after a moment.
"This is the one. This is my new puppy!"

A! cheer went up from the volunteers. Startled by all the
commotion, Mom came running.

"This is the one, Mom," her daughter told her.

"What? Are you sure? How do you know?" she asked.

"It's the puppy sighs!"

"Yes, it the same size as all the other puppies you held the last few
weeks," Mom said.

"No, not 'size,' 'sighs.' When I held him in my arms he sighed," she said.

"So?"

"Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told
me, "Love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the
bigger the sighs!"

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know
whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug her child she did
a little of both.

"Mom every time you hold me I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from
work and hug each other you both sigh. I knew I would find the right
puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms," she said.

Then holding t! he puppy up close to her face she said, "Mom, he loves
me. I heard the sighs of his heart."


Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you
sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the
caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of
cool air on a hot day.

They are the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the
sighs.

DrB: How many of these apply to you?????? ROFL

25 Signs That Prove - "You've Grown Up"....

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.

Subject: Dusting

I can't tell you how many countless hours that I have spent
CLEANING! I used to spend at least 8-12 hours EVERY
weekend making sure things were just perfect - "in case
someone came over". Then I realized one day that no
one came over - they were all out living life - having fun!

Now, when people visit - I find no need to explain the
"condition" of my home - they are more interested in
hearing about the things I've been doing - while I was
away living life and having fun!

If you haven't figured this out yet - please heed this
advice. Life is short - enjoy it!

Dust if you must but wouldn't it be better,
To paint a picture or write a letter,
Bake a cake or plant a seed,
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
Music to hear and books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will
not come around again.

Dust if you must but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Remember, a house becomes a home when
you can write "I love you" on the furniture....

* During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool, you
will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

*In an average day, your hands will come into indirect
contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.).

*An average person's yearly fast food intake will
contain 12 pubic hairs.

*In a year, you will have swallowed 14 insects --
while you slept.

*Annually, you will shake hands with 11 women who have
recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

*Annually, you will shake hands with 6 men who have
recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

*In a lifetime, 22 workmen will have examined the
contents of your dirty linen basket.

*At an average wedding reception, you have a 1/100
chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

*Daily, you will breathe in 1 liter of other people's
anal gases.

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes,and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on
your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped
or broken.
Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You
will notice that in small print there is a statement...
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally
tested"
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson
Company."

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner

"It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline."
-George Lindsey

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife."
- Ilie Nastase

"The longest word in the english language is the one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word from our sponsor'."
-Hal Eaton


"Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It's like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: 'Because of my mother.'"
-Robin Greenspan

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."
-Woody Allen

"I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."
-Mike Kalin

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
-George Burns

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
-Joe E Lewis

Subject: Fw: ANOTHER JOKE FOR THE DAY

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, its the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone. Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront
the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or
two, the druggist told him, now just a minute, listen to my side of the
story.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked
the house with both the house and car keys inside. I had to break a window
to get my keys. Then driving a little fast, I got a speeding ticket. When
I was about 3 blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got
here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the
store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time the damn
phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still
ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which
made me stagger back against a show case with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it. All of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still
ringing with no letup, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister,
as God as my witness, all I did was tell her.

Our theological sources tell us the Vatican is coming out with a Catholic version of Playboy. The centerfold will be the same, but you have to pull it out at just the right moment.

==============================

A young man was browsing in a record store when he spotted two CDs he wanted. With money for only one, he stuck the first CD down the front of his pants and paid for the other.
As he walked out the door, the store manager stopped him, stared at his crotch and asked, "Would that be a record in your pants?"
"Nah," the young man replied, "but it's nothing to be ashamed of, either."
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