jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations
One time a cop pulled a guy over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?"
He said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife.
"What is this for?"
"For you headache, dear."
"But I don't have a headache."
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in."
The neighbour looked at him quizzically and said, "In?"
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
"No, from skipping."
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a
yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the
preacher asked. Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard,
though." The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked
and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking
he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said
this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." "Well," Johnny said, "you
need to cuss at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in
years!" "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
A couple of *actual* exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in court:
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months
November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide? A. Four times.
This Marine drill instructor, completely frazzled by the ineptitude of his
recruits, burst into a blue streak of swearing hot enough to blister paint. He
broke off suddenly when he noticed one of the recruits had been talking in
ranks. "WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??" the drill sergeant hollered. In a
quivering voice, the recruit replied, "I said, to myself, Drill Sergeant Sir, if
that mother thinks I'm going to stand here and take his shit . . . well, he's
certainly an uncanny judge of character."
I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became
hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It
took him several hours to make it to the nearest farmhouse, but frozen half to
death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old
farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. "Why
sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk," said the hospitable old man.
"But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in
them thar jokes." "Oh!" said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said,
"Just how far is it to the next house?"
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired
for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East
West Street. By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a
podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but
intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and
someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the
reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and
different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really
gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous
member in his hand. "My goodness," she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a
foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll
take my business elsewhere."
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was
wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the
wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer
to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles,
which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he
spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son.
But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his
neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that
said, "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them
and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that
time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls
asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little
different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies
of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following
day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around
with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign that now read, "TWO ANGELS
SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely
bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a motel for the
night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher. In the
middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of
Johnny standing right over her. He asked if he could sleep with her cause he
couldn't sleep. She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she
said okay. Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she
said "NO." "But my Mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps." So the
teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do." And a few minutes
later, the teacher says, "OH...that's not my bellybutton." And Johnny says,
"That's not my finger."
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much
younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional," she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional
piece in the living room!"
I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a
table for a reading group. After the story was read, I gave the children a work
sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems, so I wanted them to work on
it there. I heard a little girl say very softly, "Jesus Christ!" I leaned over
and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." She looked at me, her eyes got
very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? I DON'T THINK SO!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
Breaking Up...College Course Style...
Psychology: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
Sociology: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
Religion: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God
Archaeology: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
Theatre: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
Biology: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
Physics: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
Journalism: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
Women's Studies: "HE did it!"
Business: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
Italian: "Mama Mia!"
History: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
Geography: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
Anatomy: "I never liked your body anyway."
Economics: One party demands more than the other can supply.
English: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.
Education: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
Computing: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."
E. Engineer: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..." [okay, yes, I know you're groaning ;-)]
Architecture: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
Jewish Studies: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"
Philosophy: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?
Zoology: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.
Phys. Ed.: They punch each other out in frustration.
Chemistry: They turn to hard drugs to relieve the pain.
Counseling: Each urges the other to "get help!"
Music: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in Tennessee, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.
Law: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
Advice for college students...don't date your classmates...but have a great weekend!
Subject: What is amoré?
When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,
When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!
When your chocolate graham,
Is with marshmallows crammed,
That s'more, eh.
When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across
a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on
top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"
"How can you say that?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "...and they
screw you every time!"
My True Love!
You'll be surprised
to see me
you and me
You and me
You and me
You and me
You and me .......
Just you and me sitting in a mental hospital:
Me visiting you :)
Things To Never Say To A Cop!
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you
been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer
your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Symbolic Gestures say a lot.
A Texas Court of Appeals ruled it was not a crime to "shoot the bird." The judges cited a news article that said, "These days the bird is flying everywhere……"
It seems some members of the United Nations Security Council would have liked to "shoot the bird" to the United States but instead they gave "thumbs up" to United States' road map to rebuild Iraq and "thumbs down" when it comes to providing money and troops. Do two thumbs going in different directions make a bird?
A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.
The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"
To which the man replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
Rev. Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears Roebuck
store. He looked around then shouted, " I want to see the manager right
The manager of the department came out and said, "how can I help you
Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are WHITE?"
The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines
and said: "Reverend Jackson, yes, all of our washing machines are white but
if you look inside, you'll find that all of the "AGITATORS" are BLACK!!"
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy, Bubba Driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said "Bubba, take whatever you want." "So, I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!" "Them clothes woulda never fit you!!"
OK, here's a chance to show your patriotism.
Subject: please read...dated material
The Taliban and Al Quaida cannot stand nudity and consider it a
sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife. Therefore,
next Saturday afternoon, at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American
women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to
help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for
one hour is recommended for this anti terrorist effort.
All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of
their homes, to prove that they think it's OK to see other women nude.
(Since the enemy does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at
your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)
Remember: Be Patriotic - Be Safe - Be Naked
A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of
heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim
"Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to
meet Muhammad." St. Peter says "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder
you will meet Muhammad" The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top
there is Moses.
Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim is very excited
"Moses, its such an honor to meet you.
But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet
Muhammad". Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you
The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't see
anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks
"Who are you?" The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome
God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly
speak. He says to God "Sir, it
is such an honor to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great.
But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet
God says "Ohh.. You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a
seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"
Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee"
God yells into the kitchen.. "Hey, Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!"
Wisdom of the soul
1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
2. Most people will be about as happy as they decide to be.
3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
5. Success stops when you do.
6. When your ship comes in. ... make sure you are willing to unload it.
7. You will never "have it all together."
8. Life is a journey... not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
9. The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want I will be happy."
10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
11. I've learned that ultimately 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
14. We often fear the thing we want the most.
15. Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you have to say. Best friends listen to what you don't say!
16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
17. Look for opportunities...not guarantees.
18. Life is what's coming....not what was.
19. Success is getting up one more time.
20. Now is the most interesting time of all.
21. When things go wrong.....don't go with them.
22. Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
23. God can mend all broken hearts. You just have to give Him all the pieces.
24. A person who asks a question might be a fool for five minutes, but a person who doesn't ask, is a fool forever.
25. A best friend is like a four leaf clover... hard to find, and lucky to have.
26. A friend is someone who reaches for your hand but touches your heart.
27. A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
28. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
29. Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace... and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.
30. Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back.
Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the overall perrformance, particularly in the flower and
jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer
runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
And the reply:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears
6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.
If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
You're A Redneck Jedi When
1. You use the force to cheat at fishing, bowling, and long-distance spitting.
2. More than half the droids you own don't function.
3. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I. Q.
4. You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
5. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while vacationing on Hoth.
6. Your moonshine is made on the moon.
7. You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
8. Sandpeople back down from your mama.
9. You've used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a DUI.
10. You've strangled people with the force because they laughed at your accent.
11. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
12. You've argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
13. A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.
14. You've wrecked several landspeeders while lighting cigarettes with your lightsaber.
15. You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
16. You've gone AT-AT tipping.
17. Jabba's pig guards think you have a hygiene problem.
18. You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
19. The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
20. You discovered that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who also happens to be your brother.
A girl sat sobbing in the police station.
"I . . . I was raped by an Irishman," she wailed.
"How do you know it was an Irishman?" the detective asked.
"I had to help him," the girl replied.
THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O'HONEY,
so he took MARYJANE behind the POWERHOUSE
on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE.
he began to feel her MOUNDS.
that was pure ALMOND JOY.
it made her TOOTISE ROLL.
he let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER
went up her JUICYFRUIT
and caused a MILKY WAY.
she screamed "OH HENERY !!"
as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS.
MARYJANE said, " you are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS."
soon she was a bit CHUNKY
and nine months later had a BABY RUTH
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station. When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand. "Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing." The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."
After more than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries, they determined that the funniest joke is:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
The BAAS also found that jokes involving ducks were thought to be particularly funny.
According to the International Testing Center for Humor (ITCH), however, the world's funniest jokes normally feature bathroom humor. They give as an example:
Sven asked Ole how he liked the new toilet brush that he won at the church raffle.
"Oh, it's pretty good I guess," said Ole, "but I tink I'll go back to using paper."
This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response.......but read the letter before you get to the response........
Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339 SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division
This is the actual response sent back........
Dear Mr. Price, Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to.
First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Sincerely, Stephen L.Tvedten
At The Last Minute
My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said,
"Families are Forever."
And on the other,
"Be Smart, Don't Start."
Honey Pass Your Aunt October 1, 2002
Facts of the Day
Of all the words Dr. Suess made up in his storybooks, only one has stuck in the English vocabulary: grinch, which is refers to a killjoy -- and it took more than 20 years.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A Canadian Tour company offers a two-day course in igloo building.
In 1982, a cactus in Phoenix, Arizona killed a man. David Grundman fired two shotgun blasts at a giant saguaro cactus that ended up falling on top of him.
In the 17th century, Sawney Beane, his wife, eight sons, six daughters, eighteen grandsons, and fourteen granddaughters, who were all born in incest, were a family of cannibals that lived in caves in Scotland. They murdered hundreds of men, women and children and then ate them. The entire family was executed in Edinburgh without a trial.
Yesterday, Jonathan Michmarkley was arraigned in a Phoenix court house on charges of animal cruelty.
Michmarkley was arrested on September 14th for throwing his dog head first into a barrel of cactus located in his front yard. A neighbor of Michmarkley saw the incident and phoned police right away.
Michmarkley finally spoke about the case two weeks ago. He said that he lost his mind when he saw his dog urinating in his cat's litter box, "Charlie (the dog) knows that the litter box is for my two cats Marlin and Hopturtle. It's dang hard to train a dog to use the bathroom outside. So I only threw him in the cactus to teach him negative reinforcement. He only had a few needles on him."
I guess that Michmarkley thinks that a "few" means 3,000. Here's a picture taken at the vet of his dog "Charlie":
Michmarkley was asked if he regrets harming his dog, "I don't know, he is after all just a dog and not a person. When he dies he won't go to heaven like people do. He'll just be dead. I don't even think animals feel pain".
Animal activists in Arizona are trying to get the court system to throw the book at Michmarkley, and sentence him to the maximum penalty of 9 years. We'll keep you posted.
Cheating Lover Facts
Hey readers, we at the Way Weird wanted to bring some facts to your attention about what people do online:
38% of all people that are either married, or in long term relationships, use the Internet as an avenue to cheat on their lovers by way of cyber sex! And 50% of these people have had phone contact, or actual physical contact with the people they have had cyber sex with!
21% of all men, married or not, who have an Internet connection spend 30% of their time online looking at porn!
It is reported that 41% of all children aged 11 - 17 who have an Internet connection surf for porn sites at some time during their online session!
Here are some facts about your weird world that you may not have ever known if it wasn't for us:
1) Women blink nearly twice as much as men. -----
2) All polar bears are left handed. -----
3)An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. -----
4) The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. -----
5) "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand. -----
6) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. -----
7) On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. -----
8) If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. -----
9) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. -----
I sure wish people would stop telling me to go fuck myself, the injuries from trying are really starting to get expensive.