jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations
Hmmmm, which video to buy?

PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy? Titanic or The Clinton Video

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically the same thing.

Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate"

1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I
borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with
a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh
loudly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...........A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male......A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

An english professor wrote up on the board "woman without her man is nothing" and told his students to punctuate it.
The males in the class wrote "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The females wrote "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

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Boss: "I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase."
Employee: "That's because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?"
Boss: "Right. Except for the 'us' part."

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You could be a Redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

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LATEST COMPUTER VIRUS -
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

One day a small child was watching his mother bake cookies.
His mothers belly was very big so he asked her, "Mommy why is your tummy so fat?"
So the mother replied, "Honey, a baby is growing in mommy's tummy."
And the child replied, ''Than what's growing in you butt?''

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Patient: Doctor, I keep seeing frogs in front of my eyes.
Doctor: Don't worry. It's only an hoptical illusion.

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Q: Why is a modem better than a woman?
A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.

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Sue: I hate being married. Steve hasn't so much as kissed me since the wedding!
Jill: Have you thought about divorcing Steve?
Sue: Why? I'm not married to Steve!

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A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon
night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant.
Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over
here!" The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my
spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he
quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head,
she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your
face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have
stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

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A guy got his date out on a country road and pretended to run out of gas hoping
to make out. She wasn't going for it and said she had a $100 bill in her purse
and she'd buy gas, but he'd have to walk to town to get it. He said he had to
pee first. While he was peeing she decided to light a match near the gas neck to
see if there was any gas in there. There was a big explosion and she called out
to him, "Honey, help me find my purse, it's got my $100 in it!" He said, "Hell
with that. Help me find my right hand, it's got my dick in it!"

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Hillbilly Herman was drafted, and on his first day as an enlisted man, he was
given a comb; the next day the army barber sheared off his hair. On the third
day, he was given a toothbrush; the next day the army dentist yanked several of
his teeth. On the fifth day, he was given a jockstrap; that afternoon Herman
went AWOL.

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A traveling salesman is in a small town in the Midwest, when his trip is
suddenly prolonged for an extra month. He was already getting bored there and
over the course of the extra month he becomes very homesick. Finally, he decides
to give in to temptation and visit the local brothel. He walks up to the madam
and hands her a hundred dollars and says, "Give me the worst blowjob in town."
The madam says, "For this kind of money, you can have the best blowjob." "No,
no," says the man, "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

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One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck
in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.
The ant asked, "What do I get in return?" The elephant replied, "If you get it
out, you can, oh, I don't know, fuck me up the ass." So the ant gets busy taking
the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says,
"OK it's out, are you ready?" The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant
gonna do anyway?" The ant climbs up, positions himself, and starts fucking away.
A monkey is up in a tree and is watching the goings-on. He's just incredulous.
After a bit, it starts to get so funny, the monkey starts to laugh -- and in
doing so, knocks a coconut down from the tree and onto the elephant's head.
"Owww!" says the elephant. The humping ant says, "Take it all, bitch!"

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed-wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a fulllength mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive "Yes, uh huh, Yes" type noises, the doctor instructed her to get dressed again. Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed. "So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?" "Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."

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A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who
Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask
his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks
him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions,
so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus
Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am." The boy, not believing the bum, asks
for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him
inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are
you in here again?"

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A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please
describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain
suspicions as to your wife's fidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all
week," the man testified. "So naturally, when I am home, I'm attentive to the
wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty
heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the
wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to
the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!" The teacher
replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The
correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a
sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit,
and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"


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Blow Job Etiquette

A Woman's Take on the Subject
1. First and foremost, we're not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to #1, so, if you DO get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video, it's NOT standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to #3, no, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to #5, don't push on top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had
been done. Besides, you REALLY want puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get. It's NEVER ok to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean it's "hummer week." Get it through your head I'm bloated
and I feel like shit, so NO, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you.
 You just can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8, "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls. If
you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to stop to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've "wrecked" it for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
after is HIGHLY inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about
the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment. Review #2 above about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't give a shit
about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough,
keep your mouth shut. It's not appropriate to sympathize OR brag.
16. Just because it's "awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good
morning."

A Man's Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only
way to stop your bitching and moaning.
 6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five
straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.
 7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end
 of the stick in the "flavor" category.
8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in
your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake"
in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some
action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you?

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it very excited, Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?
I'm a cow.
Right, right. What do you do?
I make milk for the farmer.
Cool. The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.
Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?
I'm a chicken.
Oh, right. What do you do?
I make eggs for the farmer.
Right, great, see ya round. Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?
I am a stallion, said the horse.
Wow, said the zebra. What do you do?
Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you!

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Reconciliation
One man and his wife were having some problemes at home and decided not to talk to each other.

A week later, the man realized that, because of his laziness, he need help to wake up at 8 o'clock the next morning for a job appointment.

He thought deeply and finally wrote on a paper "Please, wake me up tomorrow at 7 o'clock"

The next morning, he woke up at 9 o'clock. Furious, he almost turned all the house upside down when he saw on a table a note ; " It is 7, wake up!"

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand.
Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."
Bail: $100
Ticket: $95
Look on cop's face: Priceless

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Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Maybe it looks different backwards?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only tropical fish stores.
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for on the premises."

 A night clerk for the Kansas City division of the FBI, frequently received calls for a local hospital that had a similar number. One night after answering the phone, "FBI," he heard a gasp on the other end of the line. Guessing what had happened, and trying to be helpful, The FBI agent said, "That's all right. You were calling the North Kansas City Hospital, weren't you?" Before he could give that number, there was another gasp and a man stammered, "Boy - you people really do know everything!"

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A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
"You will understand," he said as he started his speech, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I soon realized that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, a leading local politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make his presentation to the assembled crowd.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-
fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... David was being uncharacteristically
quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out
to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
The White House announced today that it is changing its emblem to a
condom because it more clearly reflects the Republican Party's stance.

A condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you
a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a WV state trooper walked to
 her car window; flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a
ticket to the WV State Police Ball. He replied, "WV state troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
 He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

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One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are
going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife
 goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are
 expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife
goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." Then the
 electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look
 on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street
do I need to park on so the snow plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to
blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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WANTING TIME OFF
Two government workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you will do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling,
and asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped
 down and walked out.
The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think
 she was going? "Home. I can't work in the dark".
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.

Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has
ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you piece of crap!" To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

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This week in 1850

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?

California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the middle of the streets.

So, it was just like California today.....only the women had real breasts.

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Modern Technology

THREE MEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE GERMAN PRESSED HIS FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HIM QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," HE SAID. " I HAVE A
MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE FELLOW LIFTED HIS PALM TO HIS EAR. WHEN HE FINISHED, HE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, HE DECIDED HE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. HE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. HE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET
PAPER HANGING FROM HIS BEHIND.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HIM.

THE HILLBILLY FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX."

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The Rooster
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked,
Sir,what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster
Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent.
 "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down
 next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants and let the chicken's head out.
"Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is
a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and
 he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge.
"At our age we've seen 'em all."
"That's what I thought, too," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles
here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're
 getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling
 you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hampton and tells her the news.
 The sister says, "I'll handle this."
She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be
 there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right."
He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving.
Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?
Subject: Andy Rooney
A copy of this should be distributed to everyone in the country!!!
Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a few weeks back:
I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some
governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack
addicts for squirting out babies.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can
kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there
are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is
an opinion. I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything
except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly
discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black
Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like
the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment
Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will
be knocking down your door. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others
because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people
who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not
racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received
sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private
matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a
newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact,
if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to
speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave
the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think
the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten
them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or
"stop" in English, see the above lines.
I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount
votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are
qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or
tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or
any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries
and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later
they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living
document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake,
but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop
you from watching them. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative
with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue
to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system
that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that
invented the Internet to help you.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a
parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds
when necessary, and say "NO!"
"I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't
pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that
new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you
serve me french fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not
a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be
"African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around
saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great,
great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough. DON'T PASS IT ON!!
Two factory workers were talking.

"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

He proceeded to show her..by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging
upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the
ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb"
answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss.

So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did
she think she was going?

The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".

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Colonoscopies
A must read for those over 50!
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
And THE best one:
11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
If life is a do it yourself project, why does religion frawn on masterbation?

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I tried to get in touch with my feminine side,
it slapped me.
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, you records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

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What kind of snacks do computers munch?
Microchips.

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When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

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A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was severed!"
"Oh my God", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm was once attached, "Where's my Rolex!?"

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A passer-by is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86".
The passer-by asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"
The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.
The passer-by thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."
The man lifts the manhole cover, the passer-by steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...