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A Kinder, Gentler System

A "Kinder, Gentler System"

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC. Instead of producing the cryptic error message characteristic of Microsoft's operating systems, Sony's president said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.


The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist


Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.


ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.


Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.


First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
so beautifully.


With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.


The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.


Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.


Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down


Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.


You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.


Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.


Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.


Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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How to Clean your Mouse

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
The network executive impatiently tapped a pencil as the producer tried to sell him the idea for a TV special.
"I got Sondheim to compose the music," the producer said.
"Stephen?"
"No, Maury Sondheim. Bright kid from UCLA. He's written a couple of jingles. And I got Coppola for director."
"Francis Ford?"
"No, Ernie Coppola. He's young, but you'll like him. And for the singer, I got Goulet."
"Robert?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, shit."
The proprietor of a Chinese restaurant left the store early to attend an employee's bachelor party
Many hours later, he returned home, crawled into bed and, feeling horny woke his wife and asked for a little 69. "It's three o'clock in the morning," she hissed, "and you want chicken and broccoli?"
As the veteran rodeo star sipped coffee in a cafe, an awe-struck young man approached him. "Are you a real cowboy?" he asked.
"Sure am, son," the cowboy answered. "See this hat? When I'm out on the range, it protects me from the sun and rain. The kerchief keeps the dust out of my nose. And the chaps protect my legs from the sagebrush."
The young man's eyes slowly dropped to the cowboy's feet. "My tennis shoes," he explained, "are to prove that I ain't no damn California truck driver."
Only found in America:

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

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Things to ponder:

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?

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Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

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Men and Women

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.
A Lawyer is driving in his limousine when he sees two men eating grass.

He tells the driver to stop and then he gets out and asks one of the men why he is eating grass.

The man replies that they can't afford food so they have to eat grass. The Lawyer tells the men to get in the limousine.

Inside the limo, the two men thank the lawyer and he replies "No problem, the grass in the back of my house is at least a foot long."

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Once upon a time there was a king and a jester. Now, the jester loved puns and annoyed the king with them all day long. Finally, the king was so fed up that he said, "If you don't stop with the puns, I'll be forced to hang you!" What was the jester's reply? "Well, no noose is good noose!" They hung the jester the next day.

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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school"

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men, the dad answers. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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A young priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

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A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

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Top Ten Tips For Becoming A Supermodel (presented by Heidi Klum)

10. Study really hard and get good grades

9. For several hours a day practice "just standing there"

8. Lose the mustache

7. Learn to do this (makes pouty face)

6. Remember, it's the inner beauty that counts -- just kidding!

5. Start out small, like your office newsletter swimsuit issue

4. Buy that kind of soap that makes you pretty

3. Project that all-American look even though you're from Bergisch Gladbach, Germany

2. Moisturize -- you can never be too moist

1. Ease into it by going to your current job in your underwear

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

"Ey, boss I no come work today I really sick. I got headache,
stomach ache, my legs hurt, I no work today."

The boss says:

"You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go
to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel
better and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls:

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And
by the way, you got nice house."

*******************************************************************

I just received this from my broker. Do you hold any of the following
stocks?

Dear Sir:

We have been informed that you hold shares in the following companies:

American Can Co Interstate Water Co. National Gas Co. Northern Tissue
Co.

Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present time, we
advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let
go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue
touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

Yours truly,

P. Moore & Phil Moore Potts

*******************************************************************

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and
says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent
exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus
again!"

******************************************************************

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor told him he had only 24
hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after they both had
a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him
because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course, darling!" she replied.

Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again,
and said, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we
could do it again?"

Again she responded very sympathetically and agreed to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He
tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear, I
only have 12 more hours left, how about we do it again for old times
sake?"

By this time she was getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agreed.

After they finished, she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he
tapped her on the shoulder again and said, "Dear, I hate to keep
bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can
we do it one more time?"

His wife shouted back, "You know, YOU don't have to get up in the
morning... But I do!!!"

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The
local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the
cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet
in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger."

"Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his
tail and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the
horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swing
doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I
think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And does that cure 'em?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em."

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A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the
shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad
replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection
when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in
it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for
Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?"

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for
Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same
question.

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for March...."

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THE BEER PRAYER


Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

and lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

*******************************************************************

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of
dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them
into his pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him,
so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a
while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit
embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It`s all right ma`am, they`re just
golf balls."

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later
said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

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THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend
for two weeks and upon returning home, she will call the same friend
and they will talk for three hours.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of
getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it
means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish
My Spouse.

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand
turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language
than it does in man-language.

Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the
direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about
it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up
unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you
can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good
china'.

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamouring to be
let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those
rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing
the closet, taking out the trash and picking up the check.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy
toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the
lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which
gets them in MORE trouble).

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer
taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out
because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and
lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men
arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humour in a guy despite
claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom
Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

It's okay for women to dance with each other, but you don't see men
dancing together.

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out and then they'll go out
and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch
women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking
out other women.

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman
wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men
say, 'Oh my GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me
outta here!'

******************************************************************

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she
know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early. The
redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early
and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard
a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open
the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go
with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

A Man's Perfect Wedding
If Men Were in Charge of Weddings  There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."  Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.  They would have NO tan lines.  Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.  June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.  Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.  The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!  Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.  Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."  There would be "Tailgate Receptions."  Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.  Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.  Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.  Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.  Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.  The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.  Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.  No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.  The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.  Invitations would read as follows: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) knocked her up, B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B

An atheist professor was teaching a University of Texas college class during Thanksgiving and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.

He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound Aggie football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.

The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy, He sent me!"

Life is good!

Sex is like Math
add the bed
subtract the clothes
divide the legs
and pray to God you don't multiply!!
Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of the desert. The Government said, "Someone may steal from the yard at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then the Government said, "How can the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a Planning Department and hired two people; one person to write the job description and one person to do time studies.

Then the Government said, "How will we know the night watchman is performing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control Department and hired two people; one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then the Government said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper, and a Payroll Officer; then hired two more people.

Then the Government said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an Administrative Section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer and a Legal Secretary.

Then the Government said, "We have had this organization in operation for only one year and we are $18,000 over budget; we must cutback our overall costs."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Hillbilly Honeymoon
A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he
calls his father for advice on what to do since he had
never been intimate with a woman before.

"We`re in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?"
Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied,
"Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and
says, "She`s nekid and we`re in bed. What do I do now?"

Knowing his son wasn`t the brightest crayon in the box, his dad
asked, "Did you take your clothes off, too?"

"No," the son replies. "Well, take your clothes off and
get back in bed with her."
The son calls back a few minutes later and says,
"We`re both nekid and in bed. What do I do now?"
The father`s patience is quickly
running out, and he growls, "Look, son, do I have
to spell everything out?
Just stick the hardest thing on your body where she pees!"
The son calls again a minute later.
"Ok, Pa. I`ve got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"

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Little Old Lady
A good looking biker stops at the Harley shop to get his bike fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited so he said he didn't live far and he would walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought an anvil
and a bucket. he stopped at the food store and bought a couple of
chickens and a goose.
He now had a problem. How was he going to carry all his purchases home.
The owner of the store said," Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket and
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out of the door he went. He then got stopped by a little old lady who was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 353 Liverpool Rd.,?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact I live at 343 Liverpool Rd.
Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley and we'll be there in no time?"
The little old lady looked at him cautiously and then said,
"I'm a lonely old widow without a husband to protect me and defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley that you wont push me up
against the wall, lift up my skirt and ravish me?"
The biker said "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying an anvil in a bucket in one hand,
a chicken under each arm and a goose in the other hand.
How in the world could I push you up against the wall, lift up your skirt and ravish you?"
The little old lady said, "Put down the goose, cover him with the bucket,
put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens!!!!

(\ /)
='.'=

(")_(")

God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:

WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart-they know that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin. Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to d! o the same for people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders...

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How To Thoroughly Clean the Toilet

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
(You may need to stand on the lid. ) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)

5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

A Males View Of Marriage

1. The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

2. In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.

3. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

4. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.

5. Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

6. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

7. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

8. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

9. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late."

10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look beautiful.

For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when
you can get the milk free, nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that it's not worth buying the entire pig for 8 oz. of sausage.

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a
dead
halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than
usual."
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,
so he
rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "George Bush Jr. is depressed, so he stopped
his
motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set
himself on
fire.

"George Bush Jr. says no one believes his stories about why we went
to war
in Iraq, nor the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, nor that his
tax
cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him
on
the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell
Brown
is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent
press
conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asked, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replied, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still
siphoning."

If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the
deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.
This is my new retirement program, I call it my 401Keg program

SOME FUNNY STUFF...

 25 Things To Ponder....

 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
 --Author Unknown

 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
 --Author Unknown

 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
 --Drew Carey

 4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
 --Rod Stewart

 5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
 --Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
 --Robin Williams

 7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
 --Dave Barry

 8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
 --Marilyn Pittman

 9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
 --Bob Ettinger

 10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
 --Paula Poundstone

 11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal  skills than men.I just want to say to the authors of that study:  "Duh."
 --Conan O'Brien

 12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
 --Lynda Montgomery

 13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just  isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
 --Richard Jeni

 14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
 --Johnny Carson

 15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
 --Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty,  and that's the law."
 --Jerry Seinfeld

 17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire  you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to  tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn  slower?"
 --Warren Hutcherson

 18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
 --Oscar Wilde

 19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of  Congress ... But I repeat myself."
 --Mark Twain

 20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At  least they can find Afghanistan."
 --A. Whitney Brown

 21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a  man's genitals through his wallet."
 --Robin Williams

 22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as  the only time of the month that I can be myself."
 --Roseanne

 23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
 --Billy Crystal

 24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you  a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of  that!'"
 --Dave Barry

 25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was  taken.
 --Unknown, presumed deceased