jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations
One food company is considering marketing a new cereal with a picture of Andrew Dice Clay on the box. It'll be called Nut 'n' Bitch.
According to insiders, the rivalry between Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker extended even to their dogs. Witnesses report that Swaggart insisted in their last face-to-face meeting that his was smarter.
"Mine can do every trick in the book," Swaggart boasted.
"Let's see," Bakker demanded.
"Here, Bowser. Sit," Swaggart commanded. "Lie down. Play dead. Roll over. Sit up. Speak. Shake hands." The animal performed faithfully as asked.
"No big deal," Bakker sneered.
"Oh, yeah? How about this?" Swaggart said, as he ordered his dog to jump through a hoop, walk on its hind legs and crawl on its belly "Top that, big shot."
"OK. Here, Rover." Bakker patted his dog's head, looked heavenward and closed his eyes. "Heel!" he commanded. The dog immediately jumped onto Swaggart's lap and put his paw on the stunned minister's forehead.
When the school bus stopped at the backwoods junction, the third grader jumped down the steps and ran to his waiting mother. "Momma, Momma, we went swimmin today!"
"That's nice, Jethro."
"And y'know what?"
"What, Jethro?"
"I got me the biggest pecker in the whole, entire third-grade class."
"That's nice, Jethro."
"Why you think that is, Momma?"
"I reckon it's 'cause yer seventeen, Jethro."
Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"

======================================

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

====================================

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

================================================

Female hormones in beer:

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

================================================

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."
Things to ponder:

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

================================================

The top 10 thinnest books are:

10. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen De Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book...

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Reverend Jesse Jackson

=============================================

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

==============================================

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

==============================================

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
A young man once found himself in a terrible predicament. Three women
were in love with him and he was forced to choose between them. In
order test each woman's feelings he decided to give them each ten
thousand dollars and see what they would do with it. The first woman
spent her money on beauty treatments, manicures, new clothes and the
like. She came to him and said, "Darling, I love you so much I want
to look the very best for you." The second woman bought all the
things the man wanted and gave them to him as a gift. "Sweetheart,
here are the golf clubs, the tickets for the big match and the new TV
you've been looking forward to for so long. I love you so much I
never want you to be without anything," she said. The third woman
invested her money on the stock market and before long had made a
huge profit. With the money she made she bought a beautiful house in
the country with a swimming pool and tennis courts. "This is for us,
my love," she whispered in his ear, "So we can live together in
luxury for the rest of our lives". The man thought long and hard
about the way each woman had spent the money, then married the one
with the biggest tits.
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one
raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal
has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds
up thier hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has
stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture
of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big
antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no
one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your
mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?"
One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could
buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father
said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want
me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father
said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask
me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for
him, and asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I
heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you
should wait because she was coming, too....'

"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna be stuck with your $80,000
mortgage!"
Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was
placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would
choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better
prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing
cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a
trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed
between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man
said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the
music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping.
She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside
her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the
day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly
leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started
licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the
ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the
cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...
Think you can do better than that?"

The man spat out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem,
just get that tiger out of the cage!"
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

*****************************************************************************
What Women Can Get Away With
We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.
We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.
We have total control over our eyebrows.
It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
We can cry to get out of speeding fines.
The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool... and football.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our... womanhood.
Taxis stop for us.
We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.
13 Reasons Why it is so cool to be a man

1)Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2)You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
3)You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
4)If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
5)Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
6)Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
7)Same work, more pay.
8)Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
9)Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
10)If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
11)You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

12)The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

13)Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

================================================

The Teachers Pet
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"
"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"
"Just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"
"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"

==============================================

Is That A Mime In Your Potato Salad
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

===============================================

10 Things To Do In An Elevator To Have Fun

1. Blow out a huge depressed fart and blame it on the person next to you out loud.
2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Show other passengers a rash on your genitals and ask if it looks infected.
7. Leave a box between the doors.
8. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'
10. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

================================================

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
What Women Can Get Away With
We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.
We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.
We have total control over our eyebrows.
It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.
We can cry to get out of speeding fines.
The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool... and football.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our... womanhood.
Taxis stop for us.
We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.

==================================================

Bad Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Women Drivers
 My name is Jack. Driving to my office this morning on California
Interstate 5 near Laguna Woods, I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang, with her face up next to the rear view
mirror putting on her eye makeup. I looked away for a few seconds, and when I
looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye
liner.

 It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Creme out of my other hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my
legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and
disconnected an important call.

 DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not. He has a date coming over tonight. But you only have one
ass.
You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends nose.
"Why'd the chicken cross the road?"

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Importance of Using the Correct Email Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send an e-mail to his wife back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error...

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following his heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.

P.S. Sure is hot down here...
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
Removing a Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


==================================================

Just Like My Mom

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"


==================================================

Control Over Wives

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing.

After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"

"I'll tell you," Fred replies. "Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

The other two were absolutely amazed. "What happened then?", Joe asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!".


==================================================

Don't Believe in Hell?

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."