jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations
This has got to be one of the most clever E-Mails ever. Someone out
there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I ' M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale:


PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Think about this:

 a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
 b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
 c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of HealthHuman Services)
 Then think about this:
 a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
 b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500. c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST
ONE
DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

Note from Doc
Um, hey now           :-)
"Cyber-Minded"
Rated G
My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.
I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.
"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."
QUICKIES
Rated G
Q. What are the ideal measurements for a man?
A. 80-20-102. 80 years old, 20 million in the bank, and a 102 degree fever

CuteSITE Builder HTML Object

CuteSITE Builder HTML Object
Letter to the Railroad

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I'm
tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.
I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed
by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter
-
Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings
of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your
history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was
by foot.
Sincerely,
The Railroad
-
Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones
who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible,
Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to
town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not
been able to do on your train in the last two years.
Yours truly,
A Commuter
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day,
enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops.

"You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed, have you?"

The man has to admit that, no, he never has, so she bends down and
plants a good one right on his mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up.

"You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.


A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a
sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister", she says, "Have you ever been Fucked?"

"No", he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
Bears QUIZ

Q. What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game.

Q. What do the Chicago Bears and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."

Q. How do you keep a Chicago Bears player out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado?
A. Soldier/Memorial Field - they never get a touchdown there.

Q. Why doesn't Champaign have a professional football team?
A. Because then Chicago would want one.

Q. Why was John Shoop upset when the Chicago Bears playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q. What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the SuperBowl?
A. The Chicago Bears.

Q. What do the Chicago Bears and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q. How can you tell when the Chicago Bears are going to run the football?
A. The A-Train leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.
CuteSITE Builder HTML Object
CuteSITE Builder HTML Object
Tickets!?
 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
 Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
=======================
 Let's go for stupid
 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
 She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
 The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
=======================
 Caught for speeding
 The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
 The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
 When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
=======================
 Stuck under a bridge
 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
 Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
 The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
=========================
 Drunk?
 The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
 A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".
 The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely  sure I'm drunk?"
 "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
 Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
=========================
 Too Late
 The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
 "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
 "I'm going to a lecture." The man said.  "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"  the cop asked.
 "My wife," said the man.
Why Dogs Are Better Than Wives...

The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.


Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.


If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.


Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.


Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


A dog's parents never visit.


Dogs do not hate their bodies.


Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.


Dogs seldom outlive you.


Dogs can't talk.


Dogs enjoy petting in public.


You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.


Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


Dogs like to go hunting.


Another man will seldom steal your dog.


If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.


A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"


If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.


If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.


If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, the just think it's interesting.


On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.


Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.


When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.


Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.


If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
Here are four seminars we wish someone was staging for
women:

The Unknown Side of Banking: Making Deposits

Parties: Going Without New Outfits

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

Male Management: Household Chores Can Wait Till After The
Game
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career.
Ladies, please help promote good prostate health,
blow somebody today!
Remember, the fate of the male race is in your, um, ah, hands.
Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of 'public decency' was seated
next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight.

After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders. Clinton asked for a whiskey and soda which was brought and placed
before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

Bill then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I
didn't know there was a choice..."
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not? Read on and find out more.

This is VERY IMPORTANT! if you do not read the entire message YOU MUST read the last several paragraphs. DO NOT HESITATE!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away unless you are seeing one. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10.A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.


This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. It has been sent around the world nine times.

Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you sometime this month after receiving this message provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life.

This is no joke! Send this to people you think need sex (who doesn't?).

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days. This is true--even if you are not superstitious.

GOOD SEX, but please remember: 10 copies of this message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours or you will not have good sex again for the rest of your life !!!!
Social scientists predict that before long, the Japanese will own so much of Manhattan that commuters traveling through the Lincoln Tunnel will be asked to leave their shoes in New Jersey.
A customer walked into a neighborhood bar, sat on a stool and ordered a whiskey with a beer chaser. Six silent hours and many whiskeys and chasers later, he looked up at the bartender and finally said, "Nice weather we're having."
"Hey, pal," the bartender snarled, "you wanna drink or you wanna bullshit?"