jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations


From:     infobeat@list.euniverse.com (InfoBeat Fun)
A certain lady invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say grace?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother answered.
The little girl bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
A patient goes into the optometrist's office. He opens the door and says to the receptionist, "I think I need my eyes checked."
She says, "You're not kidding." "This is the Ladies Room."
Questions to Ponder
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Somehow the IRS auditor knew it was my first audit. "How could you tell?" I asked.
"For this kind of examination you don't have to undress," she explained.
Father: "I know the answer to your bad grades. You're spending too much time watching television."
Son: "I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a question."
WHY
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
A miserable-looking man was sitting in a bar one night.
"Why are you looking so sad?" asked the barman.
"My wife's made me a millionaire." said the man.
"If my wife made me a millionaire, I'd be the happiest man on earth", said the barman.
"Yes, but before I met her I was a multimillionaire."


From:     The Daily Joker
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and
forth, watching the bubbles. A priest walked up and asked, “What are you doing?”
Little Johnny replied, “I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world.”
The priest said, “But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the
world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she
will pass a boy?” Little Johnny said, “Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put
this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!”
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl
notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box
of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes
later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter. She says,
confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?” “You see
it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I
figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!”
Once there was a geneticist who made a tree. Instead of growing fruit, the tree
grew vaginas. The man was so proud, that he planted it in his front yard. The
neighbors didn't like this one bit. They got together and found a lawyer that
would sue the man for having the vagina tree. The geneticist refused all orders
from the court. After several defiant moves, the court sentenced him to death.
On the execution block, the man was asked if he had any last words. He replied,
“I regret I have but one life for my cunt tree.”
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce
proceedings begin at once against his young bride. “What's the problem?” “I want
to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the oilman. “I
don't know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife isn't a piece
of property; you don't own her!” “Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined, “but I sure
as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!”
Little Johnny had never had sex in his life, so his buddy Billy told him that
he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees. Later,
Little Johnny's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks
him, “Do you know what I want?” Little Johnny says, quite honestly, “No.” She
lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again. Again he answers,
“No.” Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the
way spread-eagle! She asks, “Now do you know what I want?” Little Johnny
answers, “Yeah. You want the whole damned bed to yourself.”
A Navy Lieutenant had just landed his A-7. He wrote up a complaint for the
maintenance department that his “relief tube” was “too short”. The maintenance
technician took the complaint and checked out the problem. Turns out the tube
was tangled around the base of the “stick”. But the technician completed the
maintenance form by writing, “Pilot relief tube found to be sufficient length
for enlisted personnel.”
A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales
clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. “What type of bra?” asked the clerk.
“Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?” “There are three
types,” replies the clerk. “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the
Baptist type. Which one do you need?” Still confused the man asks, “What is the
difference in them?” The clerk responds, “It is really very easy. The Catholic
type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the
Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”
“I've got this thing for lean, rangy men,” said the new coder at the software
company. “That Ralph in sales is certainly a long, tall drink of water.” “I hate
to bust your bubble honey,” replied the office veteran, “but for a long, tall
drink of water, he's got an awful short straw.”
Chris was a very avid golfer who had played at each and every course in the
country. One day while teeing off, he collapsed from a heart attack and found
himself standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said that though he
wasn’t a bad person, he also did his share of un-heavenly things, and so he was
being given a choice of where to go. So Chris took the tour of all of Heaven’s
mansions and flowing wine, etc., etc. Then he was taken down to Hell where the
devil himself took some time out to show him around. While on tour, Chris saw
the best course he’d ever seen. Small streams, beautiful sand traps, rolling
greens. Unlimited access to the course, his own cart, finest golf clubs, and
golden tees. Chris was astounded and informed St. Peter that he would making his
eternal home Hell. Chris immediately sets off for the first tee, looks around
for a ball to begin his first nine holes. When he couldn’t find one, he turned
to Satan and asked, “Where are the golf balls?” The devil replied, “*That’s* the
hell of it.”
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get
separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks,
“Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly
black hair?” The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the
Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: “Escusa me, have you senn-a me
Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?” “No, I'm sorry
ma’am, I haven't seen your husband.” The Italian woman goes to see one more
saleswoman and asks, “Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly
and a-lots of curly black hair?” The saleswoman answers, “Yes I saw him, he ran
out of here lickety split.” To which the Italian woman answers, “No, no, no,
that's not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety
split!”