jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations
Working people frequently ask retired folks what they do to make their days interesting...
I went to the store the other day. I was in there for only about five minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a "Kerry-Edwards" bumper sticker on it.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at our age.
"Blaming other people for your problems is self-defeating - even if you're right." William Jefferson Clinton at the quadrangle at Columbia University after finishing a speech on the 50th anniversary of Brown vs. Board of Education, the 1954 Supreme Court decision that struck down school segregation.
This was sent to my by one of my staunch Republican friends who asked me to stop sending her antiwar stuff back when a few of us thought going to war with Iraq was a bad idea. We must be making progress!!
Subject: What does your father do?
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the
teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- Fireman, policeman, salesman,
etc... David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the
teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer
in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes In front of other men.
Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley
with some guy and make
love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this
hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took
Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your
father?" "No," said David, "He works for the Bush
administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of
the other kids."
This is a joke that should bring you luck.
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked! her how she had been
to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles,
turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again
until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square
and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the
day before. then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc..
so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the
president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile.! Suddenly the president
noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in
the morningI would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone
to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.
Florida Hurricane Season Notes
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
Put these supplies into your car.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and - if it's a major hurricane - all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing" Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida, you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably The FAMILY DOG !
Subject: High Tech World
Three Men.... One German, one Japanese and one hillbilly, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager, " he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The hillbilly finally said, "Well would you look at that. I'm getting a fax."
The Bobbitt Hillbillies
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named john
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone-
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She looped off his dong with the swipe of a knife
PENIS THAT IS
MISSED HIS NUTS
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride
Sge soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend
CURVE, THAT IS
TOSSED THE NUB
IN THE SHRUB
She went to the cops and confesed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back.
They siffed and they barked and they pointed "over there" !
To John Wayne's Henry that was waving in the air
FOUND THAT IS
BY A FENCE
Now Oeter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a Dick Doc said,"Hey I can fix that dong"
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need
And the Whole World waited 'til they heard that johnny peed
WHIZZED. THAT IS
Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
they cleared her of assault and aquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape
VIDEO, THAT IS
YA'LL SLEEP ON YOUR STOMACHS NOW YA HEAR !!!
Subject: COMPUTER MOUSE THERAPY
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh crap, it's started."
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop nagging!?"
There are less than three months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be the president of ALL Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
If you support the policies and character of President George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights 'ON' during the day.
If you support John Kerry, please drive with your headlights 'OFF' at night.