jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations


From:    LadyBeeG
Poopsie   AppleTush ( my name )  LOL
Laugh a little ---------

This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it onto
everyone you know including the person that sent it to you. Sometimes when
you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the
day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not

Here is your dose of humor...Follow the instructions to find your new name.
Once you have your new name, put it in the Subject box and forward it to
friends and family and co-workers.

Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they
know you participated.
And don't go all adult- my friend in Utah is a senior manager is now

known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer.

The following in an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants And
the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave
Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names......

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = poopsie b = lumpy
c = buttercup d = gadget
e = crusty f = greasy
g = fluffy h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim j = stinky
k = flunky l = boobie
m = pinky n = zippy
o = goober p = doofus
q = slimy r = loopy
s = snotty t = tootie
u = dorkey v = squeezit
w = oprah x = skipper
y = dinky z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half
of your new last name:
a = apple b = toilet
c = giggle d = burger
e = girdle f = barf
g = lizard h = waffle
i = cootie j = monkey
k = potty l = liver
m = banana n = rhino
o = bubble p = hamster
q = toad r = gizzard
s = pizza t = gerbil
u = chicken v = pickle
w = chuckle x = tofu
y = gorilla z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half
of your new last name:
a = head b = mouth
c = face d = nose
e = tush f = breath
g = pants h = shorts
i = lips j = honker
k = butt l = brain
m = tushie n = chunks
o = hiney p = biscuits
q = toes r = buns
s = fanny t = sniffer
u = sprinkles v = kisser
w = squirt x = humperdinck
y = brains z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.
Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject. And remember
that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average
of 4 times a day.

Put more laughter in your day.

From:    Bevybear
Dogs on Planes

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.
The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour from a
supposedly  well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What in the world is going on with this  stupid dog?
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!
The $15 Porsche

WOMEN --GOTTA LOVE EM!

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents
began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

"We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder.

"Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?"

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy.

" I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on
my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

"So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Today, my husband phoned me. I thought he was on a business trip,
but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't
intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send
him the money. So I did!"

From:    Poneecat
Subject: HILLARY AND AAAHnold
Senator Hillary R. Clinton was attending a party when she noticed that
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was there also.
She walked over to him and in a quiet voice said to him "if you were my
husband I would poison your drink.
Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward and whispered in her ear "And if you
were my wife, I would drink it!"
Dear Friends,
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this shit!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled on the History Channel in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this household security product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your basic 250 lb. tattooed sociopath assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I'm an techno-geek...we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect, and unchained electrons are just a whole bunch of fun. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little bitty AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me doin' the readin', not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
 What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet eight or nine times. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "That was fun! Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
 didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
 finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
 "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
 until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
 a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
 as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
 The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
 came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
 the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
 Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
 teaching my son in math?"
 The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
 of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
 two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
 to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
 to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
 Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,  eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

 Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else

Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.
Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work----I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO
FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS

THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE JOKE OF THE YEAR!

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,"
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied,
"Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


From:    Wacky Jokes
New Pastor
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote

"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis
3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
for I was naked.""
Smart Blond

A blonde walks into a bank in Toronto and asks for the loan department.
She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs
to borrow $10,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,
so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on
the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager
and his staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $100,000 Rolls as
collateral against a $10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive
the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $10,000 and the interest,
which comes to $141.66. The bank manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multi-millionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $10,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for three weeks for
only $141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Truth n Believe
Son asked his Father, "What is the difference between truth and believe."
Father said , "she is your mother that is the Truth and I m your
father that is what I Believe".