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From:     infobeat@list.euniverse.com (InfoBeat Fun)
Dear Abby Shockers
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Videos from the Self-Help Shelf
Powerful Microscope, hosted by Seymour Cells
Defending Yourself in the Courtroom, hosted by Iris Mye Case
Safe River Crossing, hosted by Jethro D. Bote
Home Demolition, hosted by Wallace Falling
Curing Hunger Pangs, hosted by Aida Bigg Snacke
TV Alternatives, hosted by Rita Goode Booke
Solving Crimes, hosted by Anita Clew
Protecting Your Valuables, hosted by Jules R. Missing
How to Make Leather Crafts, hosted by Tanya Hide
Giving Class Assembly Speeches, hosted by Audie Torium
How to Sleep in Class While the Teacher Gives Notes, hosted by Chuck Bored
A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all he loved Venice.
"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand that your father would like Venice with its gondolas, and St. Markses and Michelangelos."
"Oh, no,' the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."
A man and his son went to the grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when the son said to his dad, "Look at that lady in front of us, daddy, she's fat."
The man noticed the lady but politely told his son, "That's not a nice thing to say."
The son continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, she's REALLY huge."
The man said, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and quit saying those things."
Just then the lady's beeper went off and the son said, "Look out dad, she's backing up!"
Why I Love New England
It's winter in New England
And the gentle breezes blow,
Seventy miles an hour,
at fifty-two below.
Oh, how I love New England
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
and your nose, it freezes shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave New England
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!!!!
Truisms
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
The early bird still has to eat worms.
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."


From:     The Daily Joker
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men
to make two lines. One line will be for the men that dominated their women on
earth, and the other one for the men that were “whipped” by their women. Also, I
want all the women to go with St. Peter.” Said and done, the next time God
looks, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were
“whipped” by their women was 100 miles long. In the line of men that dominated
their women there was only one man. God got mad and said, “You men should be
ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all “whipped” by
your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him!! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one in that
line??” The man said, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here!”
It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had
instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The
next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had
gone. “Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.” “Saved? And
how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun. “Well, when Father John
was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he
guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to
Heaven.” “Did he now?” said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, “And
Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would
be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then
Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.” “Is that a fact?” said the
old nun even more evenly. “At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the
pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon
swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.” “That
wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve
been blowing it for 40 years!”
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out, “Okay,
everyone in the house, please be advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this
date made a complete fool of myself in sex education class by repeating stories
concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!”
Little Johnny's mother had been away a week at a N.O.W. convention and when she
returned home, she was anxious to hear about his week. “Well, one night we had a
thunderstorm, and I was scared, so Daddy and me slept together,” said Little
Johnny. “Little Johnny!” said the boy's nanny, “Don't you mean ‘Daddy and *I*?’”
“No stupid!” replied Little Johnny. “You and Daddy slept together on Thursday.
I'm talking about Monday!”
The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity,
shouted out, “I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!” Half
of his congregation stood up. He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been
he-ing and he-ing to stand up!” A couple of men stood up. He then shouted out,
“I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!” Several women
stood up. The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone
was standing except Little Johnnie. The minister shouted out, “Brothers and
Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? “Little
Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with
sex and committing sins. What do you have to say?” Little Johnny replied,
“Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!”
A third grade teacher always took roll call each morning and had the pupils
answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid who sat in the first row was a
teacher's pet. He stood and said, “My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I
would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can.” The next kid was a
little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the
roll call by stating, “My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to
have a baby . . . if I can, and I think I can.” The next on the list was Little
Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, “My
name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help
Suzy in her plan if I can, and I think I can!”
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where
the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Conventions. More than a
hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that
unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really
never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting Avon knocked on his door
and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home. “Well,” the
woman said, “could I please wait for her?” The man directed her to the drawing
room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried,
she called out for him and asked, “May I ask where your wife is?” “She went to
the cemetery,” he replied. “And when is she coming back?” “I don't really know,”
he said. “She's been there eleven years now!”
After my roommate Bill and I scrubbed, polished, and straightened up everything
in sight for the Inspector General, we stood at attention when he entered the
room. He looked for dust over the window frames and lockers, checked the bed,
and finally, on his way out, placed his hand on the laundry bag. There was a
crackling sound.
“What's in the laundry bag?” he demanded. “LOVE LETTERS, SIR,”
Bill answered. “What are love letters doing in your laundry bag?”
“THEY'RE DIRTY, SIR!”
Between my post-USMC and my present mathematician era, I was a cop. A judge who
later ended up on the 2nd District Court of Appeals told me once, “The only
differences between lawyers and prostitutes are that prostitutes are generally
better looking and more honest about how they make a living.”