jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations

From:  FltBrokeII
Who Was

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their day.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what
ultimately became of them.

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf.

From:   Bigrstick
It's time once again to review the winners of the annual "Stella Awards." (The Stellas are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's.) That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
Here are this year's winners:
5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little Toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car while he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the rear end by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson, of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

 1st Place:
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Overland Park, KS.  Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home On her first trip home (from a KU basketball game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not explaining in the owner's manual that cruise control isn't automatic pilot. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.

From:   Rock-n-Roll

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE #1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "Would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE #2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my
4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama,look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Random Toons

From:   Doc

Do you know what the definition of an angel is?

Its a woman sitting on a cloud wishing she could trade
her harp for an upright organ.

From the shit ya need to know files!
Q:  Where does a compass really point?
A compass in the Northern Hemisphere truely does point in a northerly direction, but not to the North Pole. Instead, the compass points to the North Magnetic Pole, which, as Sir James Clark Ross discovered in 1831, is located at the northernmost point of the Artic coast of North America. Similarly, a compass in the Southern hemisphere always points to the South Magnetic Pole, which is firmly planted south of Australia, in Antarctica.
The different directions their compasses pointed, when traversing the high-seas of the Northern Hemisphere, baffled ancient mariners. Their modern counterparts understand, and compensate for, the differences in the North Pole and the Northern Magnetic Pole, and chart their courses accordingly. The differences in the poles proves minor, in comparison to the tricks the Northern Magnetic Pole pulls from its home of Boothia. The bane of boyscouts, as they attempt to navigate with, or without, the benefit of their trusty compasses, is the fact that this Pole chooses to roam about in a 20-mile circle, and to shift its course between day and night.
This 20-mile variance, however, is not one of global proportions. Modern sea-farers compensate for the Northern Magnetic Pole's perpetual motion, by using charts, and tools other than the compass. All things considered, 20 miles is a minor measure for distant travelers to take into account in adjusting their travel agenda.
Thankfully, the Southern Magnetic Pole spares sailors the navigational nightmare its Northern nemesis does. In the south, compass needles actually do point true South, to the South Magnetic field.