jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations


From:    KitnKisses
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?)
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been
completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year...
that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
Thank You,
Florida Hurricane Season Notes:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane
preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.


Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start
with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home
meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and...
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer
not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to
pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida", you live in a
low-lying area.)

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand
other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next
to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise (a.k.a. "The Sunshine
State").

From:    A95Jetta
Subject: FW: new words and definitions

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's (2003) winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the
day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast
out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half
a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

From:   StarDrifterII
Why women live longer than men
Street Signs
MAKE SURE YOU READ FIRST

----
A friend's sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent. She has
cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers
and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a line cut is when all of the
fur
hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or
snarled).
When she moved to Chicago, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during
the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when
she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She
confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he
said "yes, I know what a LION cut is." It seems her accent came out
sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her.
(see PHOTOS) She cried for a week...but not as much as the cat. It was
November in Chicago and the cat needed all the fur it had.
Gas in car to go to groomers : $4.50
Cat car carrier : $32.99
Grooming fee : $80.00
Seeing the look from one seriously mad cat: Priceless!


A female blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman cop who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she asked. The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the cop. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

From:   DHoward
New Improved Product Makes Toilet Paper Obsolete!


From:   Coyote
Written by my friend, Gretchens' sister Heide Brenke.
You have reached Halliburton, Inc. Please listen to the following menu options as our politically based business practices and covert CIA/FBI connections can shift radically regardless of SEC regulations or your Constitutional rights.
If you have the same I.Q. as our favorite lil' opossum eyed Texan and a slightly criminal record- Press 1
If you made " Gentlemen C's" throughout your Ivy League college years and graduated anyway- Press 2
If you would like to contribute to our 132 million dollar boomerang campaign fund to continue purchasing Republican Electoral votes- Press 3
If you or your children's children would like to pick up the 87 billion dollar tab for our meaningless war efforts now that we have the oil in them thar hills- Press 4
If you are working in Nigeria, Iraq, Germany, Lybia, Korea, Pakistan or any other affiliated country, and are an illegal Defense Contractor- Press 5
Tony Blair- please hang up and call 1-800- ROLLOVER
CBS,NBC,ABC and media censorship managers- Press 6 to delete all previous messages.
Thank you for calling Halliburton, Inc. Have a nice day.

From:   Pentuner
OMG  F***ing Machines Too?????!!!!!!!!!!



From:   Irishzoo
bad parenting... or planning

THIS IS WHAT WE DEAL WITH IN FLORIDA. :-)
A group of seniors were sitting around the pool talking about all their ailments.


"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this

cup of coffee," said one



"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad

I can't even see my coffee."



"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my

hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.



"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.



"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my

neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in

agreement.



"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly

walk," exclaimed another.



"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an

elderly gent.



"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,"

winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.



The others nodded in agreement.


"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.
"THANK GOD WE CAN ALL DRIVE!"

From:   Monarch
don't you guys all wish you could do this

hehehe  proud fisherman


From:   Jan
IQ Test




Test your IQ with the question below:


There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of Brushing of one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.


.
.
.
.



.





. he just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. If you got this

wrong please - do not pass go, do not breed, just go dig a hole and hide.
CALLING IN SICK

A woman calls her boss and tells him that she is staying home,
because she isn't feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

From:   JMBeamer
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends alot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his
salt, that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin',
ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make
beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your
youth.... Remember about Algebra.

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or
leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old.

Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing.