jokes, cartoons, funnies, comics, funny pictures, funny animations

From:    LadyBeeG
Today I got up early as usual. When I was going to have breakfast I slipped on the stairs and got a big bump on my head.

To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because it was too hot.

I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it out I got an electric shock that sent me on my behind.

The telephone rang, it was the office just to tell me that last night the safe was broken into.

I decided this was a good time to take a nice hot bath and meditate in order to bring down my stress and relax. That is when it happened..........








From:    Kege247000

From:    Notafish

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is  in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
    that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

From:    Wacky Jokes
A tour to the White House!
Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted
tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he
asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

There, he was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just
think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House,
she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the
fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary
turned to Bill and said, "By the way, I found out who pissed in your
Blonde Waitress!
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress
walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and
there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle
of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken,
his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank
goodness, I took that first aid course -- all my training came
back to me in a flash."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from
Call on an Expert!
Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when
he accidentally swallowed a quarter. He went crying to
his mom, choking on the quarter.
They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was
impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a
specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man
who said he could get the money out in a jiffy.
He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with
great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough,
the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father
said You must be an expert! The man replied,
No sir I'm just a tax collector.