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From:     infobeat@list.euniverse.com (InfoBeat Fun)
New Product Announcement
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].
They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.
There was a hardware engineer who had an exceptional gift for troubleshooting automotive robots. After serving his company loyally for more than 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem it was having with one of its multimillion-dollar machines.
The company had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work, but to no avail. In desperation, the company called on the retired engineer who had solved so many problems in the past.
He reluctantly took on the challenge. He spent a day studying the intricate and complex machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. It demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
The bill was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so.
Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.
As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
The first little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" The bar man said, "Okay." Then the little pig said, "Can I use your toilet?" The bar man said, "Straight ahead."
Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said, "Okay." Then the little pig said, "Can I use your toilet?" and the bar man said, "Straight ahead."
The third little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" Once again, the bar man said, "Okay." Then the bar man said, "I suppose you want to use the toilet?"
The third little pig said, "No, I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
If Men Ruled
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Three guys are going to go to jail and each gets one request before they get put away for a year. The first guy says "I want a years supply of beer." So the guards give him his beer and put him away.
The next guy says "I want a woman." So they give him a woman and lock him up.
Then, the third guy says "I want a year's supply of cigarettes. So, they give him his cigarettes and lock him up.
A year goes by and the guards come around to let the three guys out. The first guy comes out totally drunk. The second guy says "We're getting married!"
Then, the third guy says "Anyone got a match?"
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


From:     The Daily Joker
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just
finished showering
to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her
bras. She
asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick
up a couple
of 36-C bras. He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten-
gallon hat
and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When
he told her
that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two
Playtex?" He
answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up
in the room."
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really
upset and
throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class, but he can't stop
laughing.
The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing and he
says,
"Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?" Little
Johnny says, "I
farted in class and the teacher threw me out." The principle
says, "Well, then
why are you laughing?" Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are
sitting in
the class smelling my fart and here I am outside in this beautiful weather."
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I
want
everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it." Claude
says,
"Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The
teacher
says, "Very good, Claude." Mary says, "The sky is very dark...
perhaps it's
going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary." She calls on
Little Johnny
in the back. "Johnny?" Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from
school, my
sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their
ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says
that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no
other animal in
the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he
says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other
day I was
playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came
around the
corner, and my cat went `ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!' and
before he could say `FUCK OFF!' the dog ate him!"
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the
fly sitting
on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away.
So she
slammed the log once again, and again the fly didn't fly away. This
drove Miss
Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and,
as a
result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With
the class
laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called
Little Johnny's
father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade
book?" she said.
"That's nothing," replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked
woman on a
fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church
lawn and
stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much Pastor," replied
the one lad.
"We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex
life." "Boys!
Boys! Boys!" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why, when was your age, I
never thought
about sex at all." They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win, Pastor!"
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
One man he
passed sported an enormous erection. "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel
shouted.
"Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave." "Yessir," the Sgt.
Major
replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same
man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home
leave," the
Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The
Colonel is
angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate
home
leaves?" "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies. "Then what's his problem,
Sgt.
Major?" the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's
you he's fond of."
Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came
around to
last night's big date. "So, how'd it go, Harry?" asked
Gil. "Terrible," admitted
Harry. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started
ringing. There
must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It
never stopped,
and we never got started." Gil tried to comfort him. `It could have
been worse,
Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her
number in the phone book, now isn't she?" "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."
A young female teacher is giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class
one day. It
is a large assignment so she starts writing high up on the
chalkboard. Suddenly,
there is a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly
turns and asks,
"What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your
garters." "Get out
of my classroom," she yells. "I don't want to see you for three
days." The
teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to
title the
assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly,
there is an
even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and
asks,
"What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your
garters." Again she
yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more
severe. "I
don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated,
she drops
the chalk when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it
up. This
time, there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She
quickly turns
to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you
are going?"
she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
There was this boss screwing his secretary. She came into work every
day one
week at 10:30 instead of 8:00 like she was supposed to.

He asked her, "Who said
you could come in any time you wanted?"
She replied, "My lawyer."